the life and times

terrible week.

The day after Christmas, my cousins father-in-law passed away. This is where is all begins. My mom and I went to see him (body) but I didn’t want to since I’m sick and tired of seeing dead people. 

So my cousins were busy making funeral plans so from Monday to today, I’ve had 12+ hour shifts at work. And it wasn’t a cake walk week. Shipment of $9000 worth of hair. That’ll take time to inventory and put into the shelf hooks. Yesterday, $13,000 worth of hair products came in. 400 cases of hair care products to be, checked, priced, and put into inventory. Not to mention I literally took over for my cousin and had to change the schedule on three different occasions and I was still short staffed. 

When I got home last night after work my mom told me to immediately come upstairs. My grandma was not looking well. We had decided to call an ambulance. The doctors presume she’s on her deathbed now. She has a serious infection her body can’t seem to shake off and not to mention a deteriorating ability to respond to simuli. 

Doing. Just fine.

I’ve learned to just. Bottle it up. Bottle it up. I’ve learned not to pester people as much with my problems so I just keep mum. Except here on tumblr. lulz.

…irritated.

…overworked.

…stressed out of my mind.

…over thinking too much.

…tired.

…emotional.

…too weary.

depressed.

I need to escape reality.

And Happy Birthday Dad. 

Really…

Don’t get me wrong, there are some things that I enjoy being left alone with. Like eating, watching tv, studying, etc. But the past week I’ve been thinking about my dad again. Probably due to the fact that I’m skipping out on my medications. The night before my dad passed away, my mom and I decided to stay with him for the night. It was a change for me since I was the one staying overnight watching over my dad, leaning my head against his hospital bed, holding his hand, asking him to pull through. Through the three week ordeal, my dad never gained consciousness except for a small amount of time in which he was able to speak. His words were, “Brian, it hurts so much. It hurts. I want to go home.”

The next morning my mom and I left the hospital to go home and open the store. I fall back asleep right when I get home.

Four hours later. My dad passes away.

I can’t fathom the fact that my dad was alone when he left us. Four hours separated us.  

Then ignorance leads to weakness. 

Weakness leads to manipulation. 

Manipulation leads to being fucked over. Hard.

I need something new to do. Monotony is no bueno for me. I’ll just end up like shit captain. Then just.

Blamo.

Brains all over the wall.

I cried so much last night and this morning in the shower that my tear ducts swelled up to the point it was irritating my eye, as if someone was poking my eyeball with needles.

since my dad died, it feels like eternity. I still often find myself waking up to the thought of, “Dad’s probably downstairs watching tv” but to my dismay I see the blank space where my dad used to sit, and now recently, the empty area where the couch used to be, where my dad would sit. I only ask myself. Why me. Why dad, why did you have to leave us.

I really, really, really miss you dad. I try to be all I can be as a son to mom and as a brother to Mina, but I don’t think I can take it any longer. I really hope to see you soon dad. I’ve missed you for too long.